Crimes Against the Culinary
by HecateA
Summary: Remus is a very tolerant man, but he doesn't understand what in the world Nymphadora Tonks thinks she's eating in the slightest. Oneshot.


**Author's Note: **Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **The following characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and this story derives from her original works, storylines, and world. Please do not sue me, I can barely pay tuition.

**Warnings: **NA

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**Stacked with: **MC4A; Shipping War; Animal Verses; Seriously Important (Not)

**Individual Challenge(s): **Gryffindor MC; Hufflepuff MC; Seeds; Ways to the Heart; Golden Times; Old Shoes; Themes and Things A (Truth); Themes and Things B (Escape); Feeling So Logical (Practical); True Colours; Rian-Russo Inversion; In a Flash

**Representation(s): **Deadliest Catch; Creature Feature; Second Verse (Tomorrow's Shade); Chorus (Middle Name)

**Bonus challenge(s):** NA

**Tertiary bonus challenge: **NA

**Word Count: **630

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_**Shipping Wars**_

**Ship (Team): **Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks (Technicolour Moon)

**List (Prompt): **Weird Habit (Spring Micro 2)

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**Crimes Against the Culinary**

It was because she often came to Order meetings straight from work, Remus told himself. Being an Auror was a demanding position, it was more than normal for things like cooking time to go out the window—or so Remus pretended to justify the assortment of… _things _that Tonks regularly dragged out of her bag and ate during Order meetings.

Whatever estranged form of meal-planning this was supposed to be was getting ridiculous.

She was eating peanut butter and marshmallows smeared over a microwave waffle today, the whole thing sprinkled with mozzarella cheese.

Last Friday, it had been fish sticks coated in mustard and smashed peas. _Coated. _

The week before that, she'd just had a cheese string wrapped in a tortilla, which had been packed in a mason jar that also hosted several stray blueberries.

Three Muggle fruit roll-up snacks that were an alarming chemically created blue and red, bound together by a rubber band. She'd washed it down with an alarmingly green energy drink.

Lettuce in a bag. Just lettuce, nothing else, eaten like chips—but for Merlin's sake, it was _lettuce_.

Dry cereal mixed with orange juice which she then ate with a spoon.

An entire bag of pretzels that was gone by the end of the meeting.

Slices of ham slathered in soya sauce and mayonnaise.

Remus couldn't take it anymore. What the hell was this woman doing? He swore he sometimes missed entire discussions as he tried to figure out what she was eating based on the smells. Granted, she was far from the only Order member who ate during meetings—but nobody else was quite this… well, eclectic.

No, fuck that. Bizarre. Nobody else was quite this _bizarre,_ because this was just weird and Remus was going to call a spade a spade on this one, and he didn't know how to rationalize or explain this strange pseudo-cuisine anymore.

Anyways, Remus kept it together that time. He let her eat her weird waffles in peace and didn't question it.

Today, on a day where Remus' nose was particularly sharp as the full moon approached, Tonks arrived at Grimmauld Place early. She joined him and Sirius at the dining table where they were finishing up their cups of tea.

"Wotcher," she said, squashing down onto her usual chair, dropping her Auror bag to the floor. Sirius grunted something which, based on his mood of the day, was positively brimming with excitement and kindness.

She reached into her bag and pulled out a container which contained leftover pizza slices. She also retrieved a banana from her bag and a pocket knife, which she used to start slicing the fruit into neat little slices that she layered onto the…

"No," Remus said, finally cracking. "No, you can't eat that—stop cutting that!"

Tonks looked up at him, confused.

"You eat the craziest things," Remus blurted. "I don't know why you do this, and it's driving me crazy—and I don't know what to do about this, but put that down, I'll cook for you after this meeting if you just _stop."_

She looked at him, shocked for a moment.

It came to Remus that it may seem like somewhat of an overreaction. He simply had no way of expressing just how _awful _pizza and banana smelled to his hypersensitive nose and queasy stomach and enough was enough. When would the madness end?

She grinned.

"What are you making?" she asked.

"Literally anything at all," Remus said. "_Please _just put that away."

"Hmm," Tonks said. She dropped the banana back into the container and closed the lid shut. "Well, it wouldn't be like me to turn down a handsome man offering to make me dinner."

Remus felt himself blush and wondered all of a sudden whether he should have just tolerated the potent odours.


End file.
